


Better does not mean cured.

by Septic84



Series: Ghost version of myself [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Illnesses, Insomnia, M/M, Personal Growth, Self-Reflection, Sick Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21619177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septic84/pseuds/Septic84
Summary: Years of therapy still cannot stop the bad days, it can, however, help them pass easier.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: Ghost version of myself [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1097367
Kudos: 18





	Better does not mean cured.

The warmth of their lounge could not be felt, the happiness that lived there was nowhere to be seen. The worst part about this, is Dan knew, that if it were another day, he would feel and see these things. It wasn’t as if he chose to feel this way on these days, however, he still felt guilty when he thought about it after, knowing what the day would have been like for Phil. Sometimes, when he got like this, he wanted to call a car and go to a hotel so he would not have to expose the person he cared about most to this. That’s not to say that Phil felt that way, in fact, he never complained, it was Dan who felt guilty. Through therapy, he discovered that the toxic voices in his head were the real cause of the guilt. They made him feel like he should isolate; and though he had the knowledge that it was not effective, every time this happened, he still struggled not to flee. 

Hours passed, the lighting in the room was now natural with the rising sun. Dan took a deep breath, trying to clear the fog in his head. He wanted to be mad, he wanted to cry, he wanted to feel anything, but it would not come. This was something that terrified him before he had the skills to process it; the thought that one of these episodes would be it, that he would be this numb forever. He now knew, even though he was in this mind frame, that it would eventually pass and he would come out the other side, safe. There was a time when he did not know this. Even though he had this knowledge, it didn’t matter in the present moment, he had been sat still on the sofa for hours, watching the night turn to day. Insomnia also was something that he had become familiar with, it was the running joke that they’d be up all night, but mostly what happened was Dan couldn’t sleep and Phil didn’t want him to be sat up alone spiraling. This is why Dan started to keep it more to himself. He knew it wasn’t good that Phil would lack sleep because of Dan’s illness, Phil could get sick and was suffering from losing rest on these nights; it was also becoming more and more frequent. Not sharing many of his sleepless nights was something Dan had to do for Phil. This was not self-destructive behavior, rather a gesture of love. Phil never saw it that way, but that didn't change Dan's actions, he had to take care of Phil too, in whatever way he could. 

The first notes of bird song started to come alive with the world, Dan turned his head slightly to the sound, trying to really focus on it. He wanted to be a part of the real world again, he wanted to smile at the melodies that disrupted the silence, yet he couldn't muster the energy. This was part of his mental panic as well, he knew on days like these he was a waste, and therefore he was wasting his life. Sometimes a week would go by and nothing productive would happen. If he had a physical illness, that would be acceptable, but when your mind is broken, all people see is laziness. He didn’t really care what other people thought, though, it was more important what he thought. Life was so short and here he was wasting it on the couch, the worst part was it wasn’t like this was just one day. Over the span of his life, he was sure he had wasted months, if not years. This caused more time to be wasted, as he would spend hours of wasted time, panicking about wasted time. 

His therapist asked him why he always had to judge his own actions so harshly, he couldn’t answer her. It was something he always had done, perhaps something he was raised to do. It may not have even been intentional on his parents' part, however, it became some of the bits and pieces that had managed to cling onto Dan the child and were passed onto Dan the adult. It was part of mindfulness to “let things go,” stay in the present moment, yet Dan struggled with this too. It was better now than it had been when he first started meditating, he was convinced it wouldn’t ever work; that he would never be able to quiet his mind enough to become relaxed. That was somewhat true, but just like everything, it took practice and refocusing. He eventually learned the style and way to meditate that was best for him to gain the most benefits out of it, though had you asked him years ago, he would not believe that to be true. 

He should meditate now, he should try to distinguish between if there was a cause for this episode or not, because with depression it isn’t one or the other. Sometimes it’s both, sometimes it’s neither. In the earlier years this was a reason he spent so much time in his own head, trying to figure out why he was “sad” when there wasn’t a reason, or using his diagnosis of depression as an all-encompassing “catch-all” when things upset him and he did not want to address it, speak about it or to think of it. He remembers many times saying “I’m depressed,” when in reality something had been said that had hurt him. It was easier to do that than identify the emotions that he actually was feeling. That too, became tedious and stressful; thus, his therapist tasked him to ask himself a question; “What’s the why?” and so he adopted a process of sorts on the days he was able. Could he identify the emotion? Could he identify the cause of that emotion? Could he identify why this action, idea, thought, or perceived action, thought or idea was causing him to feel the way he was? This helped him understand not only himself better, but also how to communicate with others. 

Asserting his own needs is how the therapist explained it. This, however, was much easier said than done. It was hard to express himself, to expose the innermost vulnerability for one so self-sufficient was an undiscovered territory for Dan. The first time he actually tried to "assert his own needs," ended up in a flustered mess that eventually he reneged on. The next time was also immensely difficult as he tripped and stuttered over his words, unable to fully explain what he needed. The third time, however, he was able to express himself in a way the other person could understand, he still flushed in the face, his mouth still went dry, but he had succeeded. This did not stop the guilt or remorse afterword, that he wasn’t prepared for. When years are spent always putting others first, he had unintentionally conditioned himself to come last. The knee-jerk emotions did fade with time; he still struggles with that now; however, it is much less. Today he knew he needed to ask for help, he was working up the courage to do so. Even though he was better at it, Dan doubted it would ever be "easy" for him. 

It had just gone past nine when Phil appeared, a sleepy smile on his face quickly fading to concern as he saw Dan. Quietly he sat next to him, not speaking or moving too quickly, never touching him. It seemed that the years of this had conditioned him to. When Dan expressed penitence for this, Phil dismissed it quickly. “I don’t feel bad about it, you shouldn’t either,” he had said. Phil failed to stifle a yawn, sideways glancing at Dan, waiting for him to become comfortable with his presence. 

In a rough, scratchy voice from disuse, he said. “Hi, Phil.” 

“Hey,” Phil said softly. 

“I didn’t sleep and I am feeling quite poorly today,” 

Phil knew, but he wouldn't ever say so, he would never invalidate Dan's feelings like that. “What Can I do for you?” 

“I don’t know,” It was honest, perhaps frustrating, but honest. 

“Why don’t I fill the tub for you, and we can see how you feel once you’re clean?” Phil suggested helpfully. It was if he could sense the best way to help at that particular moment, though this wasn't new. He always could, and Dan was forever grateful for that. 

Dan turned slightly to him and nodded. This was a start, and deep down he knew that with Phil offering support this day would pass and he would be okay. “Yeah, thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

Dan knew that no matter how awful he felt, he could count on Phil to take care of him. It was the constant he needed and would always cherish. One way or another, he was determined not to waste this day, not this time. After all, with Phil at his side, he could take on the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I use my own experiences to write these stories and Dan just happens to be my mouthpiece, so to speak.  
> Please let me know what you thought, comments really help a writer.  
> Please reblog on Tumblr (Or follow me.)  
> [ Septic84](https://septic84.tumblr.com/post/189393835730/better-does-not-mean-cured)


End file.
